Lately.
So lately I've been kinda.... well... down in the dumps. I'm not really sure why to be honest, or maybe I am and there's just too much and it all kinda clumps together and makes it feel like there's no reason for me to constantly feel down and moody and weird. If I'm being perfectly honest I've been feeling kinda crazy lately, for lacking of a better word. Just kind of "out of body" and not me.
Post-grad life is well, strange. You've been living on campus for 4 years pretending you know what in the world you're doing as a person on this planet, and now all of a sudden (if you're like me and you're totally broke and can't seem to find a job) you're living back with your parents until you decide that you're ready to get up and try it all again, but like, in the "adult world". It's just, idk, seriously strange!! I don't even know how else to describe it. I feel so out of place in my own home, and I guess the whole "discovering yourself during college but also becoming more lost because you end up questioning everything" thing kinda plays a part in it too. I don't know. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I lost myself during college, in more ways than one, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. But what does that even mean? "Promising yourself"? I mean sure you have the most control over yourself as a person, but even you can't control what happens in your life sometimes. Life is messy. I still haven't really figured out if it has to be or not - part of me believes that life is quite simple and as a human race we make it messy, but the other part of me believes that that's just kinda how it is and we're extremely naive if we think we can sit here and plan everything out and not ever get affected by other people or anything. So anyway, college was a confusing time. I learned so much about myself, but for every thing I learned, I also changed. I'm still the same old me, just different, and I guess I'm having a hard time adjusting to the person I've become and the life I'm living. Being in a completely new state doesn't exactly help the whole "new me, new life" scary feeling either, although Cali is a pretty dang awesome state so far. Instead of being around a bunch of different people every day, constantly talking to my friends, I pretty much have no friends that I can directly hang out with and spend every day either by myself or with my family. But I'm trying really hard. Trying really hard not to over think every little thing about life anymore because that just leads to a lot of unnecessary self-hatred that I can't handle right now. I'm trying not to be too down on myself and trying to be thankful for what I do have. I'm also so much more conscious and aware of my life though - way more than I was at the end of college. I'm trying my best to put my trust in God and let Him show me the truth path and let His plan be the one for me. I'm trying to reduce my dependence on other people, while still showing them I care and will always be there for them. I'm trying to reduce my foul language usage, reduce my foul music selection, reduce everything in my life to a point where I feel like I'm making improvements for myself so that I can lead a more pious, pure life. I'm trying to realize that God is the best of all the planners and that He will bless me and forgive all my sins if I show Him that I love Him the most of all. I want to start living for Him and myself again, and I want to start loving myself and Him again. I want my mind to be more clear and my intentions to be more sincere, and I want to live every day to the fullest, as cheesy as that sounds. Basically, I'm just trying to live my life more privately - not relying on social media as much - and looking inward for guidance instead of to other people.
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I started keeping this list in my journal, and I call it "the good deeds list". Basically, I was feeling really low and useless one day and told myself I could either sit around and mope or I could get up and make myself a good cup of coffee and promise myself that I would be as productive as possible. So I started a list where I write down good deeds that I do, at least one per day, no matter how small. This way, I could feel better about myself at the end of the day, knowing I helped someone with something or knowing that I put my best effort in to the day. Also, this list will help me continue doing good deeds, and will keep me aware of my surroundings and how I can and do affect other people. I didn't know if it would work or not, or if I would honestly even stick by it, but it's been 10 days and I've already felt a difference. My heart feels lighter, I feel better about myself, I feel more like a decent human being, and I'm more able to remind myself that I do matter in this world and that I can make a difference for someone even now. I don't have to wait until I'm some big-shot Occupational Therapist to start trying to help people, as well as myself.
One day the only thing I did was rescue a bug from a pool when I was swimming. It probably sounds so stupid, but it was a little beetle that was drowning and I saw it and felt really bad for it because it was still alive and visibly in distress. Now I've always been an animal lover, and that includes bugs - even though they're gross and creepy I get sad when they get killed haha - but this time I felt extra bad. So I scooped it up and put it on the ledge of the pool. It immediately started trying to dry itself off and ran away, seeming perfectly fine. It was just a bug, but it brought me so much joy that it was ok and could continue on with its day. In Islam, God says that you will be rewarded for every living thing that you are kind to or help or feed, so I know even that counted for something.
Another day I did something a little more, my sisters and I gave a needy family some money. It was only $5, but I'm sure they appreciated it regardless. We were just leaving Walmart when we saw a family with 3 kids standing on the street corner with a sign saying that they couldn't afford to pay their bills or rent. Obviously we had money because we were leaving Walmart with a full cart of groceries, so we went over and gave them the $5. I immediately felt a wave of goodness come over me, even though it was just a small gesture. But I also felt a little bit of guilt, because part of me was doubting whether or not they were being sincere. But their clothes were visibly dirty from up close, and I decided they most likely were being sincere. But that shouldn't matter. You will never be punished for giving, whether or not they are being sincere is not your problem. It was also wrong of me because even when I realized I was being wrongfully judgemental, I still judged them on their clothes instead of looking them in the eyes when I handed them the money. Either way though, I'm glad we gave them something and I hope other people did too. I wish I could've given them more, but InshaAllah (if God wills) I will be able to give much more to charity when I'm older and have a steady paying job. But for now I'm going to keep trying my best. Trying my best to see the light in the day, even the darkest ones. Trying to see the light in myself, even when I'm having a bad mental day and end up feeling like the lowest scum on the planet. Trying to spread goodness instead of hate by doing as many good deeds I can each day, no matter how big or how small. Because every little good deed counts in the end, and I think that's something a lot of us tend to forget sometimes. Sometimes a little really does go a long way, and you never know how one small action from you can make someone's whole day.